Friday, May 24, 2013

What is Important?

Hey Anyone,

To me, writing seems like something to do when you're sad, or upset about something. When you have a problem. That doesn't always have to be true though, does it? Today, I'm going to write just because.

For the past while, life has been so good. I have very few complaints and I am surrounded by amazing people who i love with all my heart. I have a loving boyfriend who listens to me and we now have our own apartment together.

I have a new job that I look forward to going to everyday, I'm helping raise a baby boy who is the light of my life. The people I work for are simply amazing, they are generous, kind, thoughtful and just all around good people. I have never seen them fight or get upset although, it wouldn't make them any less in my eyes if they did. They have accepted me into their family after working for them for just 8 months.

I call my mom almost everyday. Sometimes i get frustrated with her but otherwise we are very close and can talk about anything. She gives me good advice and I listen to her troubles and try to help out as best i can. She is the best mom that anyone could ask for.

I feel a lot older than i am. I'm not sure if this is good or bad, but i'm glad i don't party, or cause drama, or fight with my parents. Sometimes i feel like i should do those things, i'm almost 20 and i feel like i'm closer to 30 sometimes. Maybe i should make stupid, impulsive decisions? Would it make my life more exciting? Is my life okay as it is? Could it be better? The most i've done was get drunk on victoria day weekend. It wasn't really any fun. Maybe i'll stick to being grown up.

I sort of conflicted about my life right now, on one hand, I have everything i need and i'm the happiest i've ever been in a long, long time. But on the other hand, is there anything more? I feel like i should take the next step in my life, whatever that may be. But will change be good? Or ruin everything that I have now? Nick wants to go to school, and I'm so happy for him but at the same time i'm scared of what will happen to our life together. But i guess thats what you do in life, you take the next steps, you change and adapt.

Humans are full of greed, is anyone ever truly and completely happy? Or could they use more money? more power? more family? better job? better car? some more food? a better place to live? It seems as if we are always looking for something better instead of seeing what we have now. What we should appreciate before it gets ripped out of our lives forever. Cherish the times with your family, be thankful for your job, be happy that you have somewhere to live. Life could be a lot worse, we live on an amazing, beautiful planet, filled with out every need. And yet, we still want more. What happens when there is no more? Nothing left to gain? Will you be happy then? when everyone else has nothing and your planet is falling apart?

This post started out happy, but as writing for me goes, it made me think. And i think that everyone else should take a good long look at their lives. Decide what's truly important. Because one day, you might have nothing.

Monday, June 11, 2012

It's Been Quite Awhile

Hello everyone. Anyone. Someone.
I have a lot of hurt in me lately. I'm not exactly sure why but I know that something has to change. Let me fill you in on what has happened with me in the past year and a half.

After me and my last boyfriend broke up, I got really sad. I was convinced that all men were the same and all they wanted was sex and I was never going to find my perfect man. My two guy friends were tired of me moping all the time so my friend, Marc, set me up with his friend that lived in Guelph. I had met him once before and liked him a lot, but I thought he lived too far away for anything to happen. Well, that was proved wrong. We started dating in January and then in October, he moved in with me and my family.

One of my biggest deal breakers is that the man I'm with needs to get along with my family. I learned that the hard way. Nick absolutely loved my family. He came from a small family that fought all the time, so my family was great for him. My family also loved him. They all got along so well that i felt like he had been with us forever. Things with us were great, I had just finished high school and I would just spend everyday with him. After Christmas though, we started talking about moving out. He didn't work and I was babysitting before and after school. We needed something more.

His parents said we could come back and live with them while we saved up some money to get our own place. I was terrified to tell my mom. We were so close and she hated the thought of me leaving. We decided to move out after her birthday in March. When I told her, she wasn't too upset. She said she was going to miss me but she understood that I needed to move on.

Nick got a job in the factory where his dad works and I am a nanny for a family that lives a few blocks away. We are doing so well financially and just being more responsible. So why do I have these feelings?

I find that I snap all the time. Since there is no one else around, it is always at Nick. I always need more of him, more promises and attention and fights. It makes my life interesting. I realize that it is not good for me to do this but I can't help myself. I'm so emotional, I cry at everything. It has gotten better though. I'm stopping myself from snapping so much.

I'm not sure what the point of me writing this was. I don't think I even explained things so anyone would understand it anyways. I do know that it is good to get your feelings out somehow, so maybe this will help. Now I would like to change the topic a bit.

Today is my dad's birthday. Some people would be happy about that, and usually, I am. Not this year though. This year, things are different. My dad,  literally ran away to keep from talking to me. All because I asked him to pay for my little sisters school trip. She was so excited, all of her friends were going but my mom couldn't afford it. She was afraid to ask my dad. So I told him. He told me I was dishonoring him and when I saw him a week later at the beach, he ran away. I was ready to put it all behind me and be the better person. But instead, i got to see him run. And when i tried to hug my baby sister, my step mother looked at me so coldly and told me that they were leaving.

They claim to be good christian people. How is that? Can anyone answer me how terrible people can be good Christians? I have been proven over and over that he is far from a good christian. He is dishonest, manipulative, fake, controlling, hypocritical, and makes me feel incredibly guilty all the time. But I still love him. I would die to save him every single time. He is my dad.

I think that is why my relationship with God is sort of on/off. One minute i love him so much and then the next I see my dad doing something and it makes me not want anything to do with God because I don't want to be like my dad. I don't want to believe in what he believes in. I've got a long way to go but I know that my God is different and loves everyone, no matter what. He forgives even when you live with your boyfriend but aren't married. Even when you tell your dad how it is finally. He loves.

So i'll leave with that to think about. And maybe next time I'll know more or be more wise or something. Probably not, but I sure can try.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

A Bit Of A Sad Story.

So i guess it all started when i was at my dads for Christmas holidays. A lot of things happened inside of me there. I read some books about purity and God and i changed my opinions on some of those topics. I had told my boyfriend that i would be going to his house on new years and while i was excited when we made the plan, now i was kind of dreading it.

On Wednesday i get a message from the guy who was giving me a ride to London to see my boyfriend. He told me that he was leaving a day early. I asked my dad if he could give me a ride to my house the following morning. Then he started talking to me about how he was hoping i would change my mind about going and i was making a wrong decision. After that, i cried for hours. I can't be his perfect daughter. I have already don things i am not proud of and i cant erase them. I decided i was going to go anyways.

the next morning i was driven home. I unpacked and then re-packed. My sister was visiting so i hung out with them for awhile and then i was off again. I was already missing home because i hadn't been there in a week but i told myself to grow up and go have some fun. I got to my boyfriends house. We made supper and played video games for awhile. I told him that i didn't want to have sex with him. He said that it was okay but he didn't really understand it. I tried to explain it to him but it was difficult. While i was there he kept trying to change my mind but as soon as i said no he would stop bugging me about it. I thought that it was gonna work out.

A couple days after i came back to my house we were texting and ended up talking about my decision. He told me that i was being ridiculous and i should reconsider. He told me all good relationships need sex. We argued for a good three hours. After that i told him i was going to a friends house. I needed to clear my head.
Afterwards, he apologized to me and i felt a little better.

The next day i was sitting in french class when my phone starts vibrating. I look at it and it's a text from my boyfriend. 1 out of 9. I ask to go to the washroom while the rest of the texts come in. I read them all. He told me that he couldn't live with not having sex because he is still young and it doesn't make sense for him not to. I asked him if he was breaking up with me. He said no.  We argued for awhile and then he asked me to choose between him or "my silly idea". I was beyond hurt at this point. I chose my silly idea.

I'm happy with my decision now. I feel so great about myself. I just thought i'd let you all know that its not bad to lose the one you care about if you are choosing what you believe in. It's not worth it to live unhappily just for someone else.

Monday, December 20, 2010

My Christmas Shopping. But Even More.

Hey everyone :)

I've been pretty busy lately but I wanted to share my life on this past Friday with you. It was one of my best friends' Birthday so she invited me to go shopping with her and some of her family. The previous night i was staying at a motel in Owen Sound because I went with my mom to the hospital there so she could get an MRI. So we got up early and headed back to little Wingham. We were both very tired.
         As soon as we got back I was off again but this time to Kitchener. It was very squishy in the car. Laurens dad, Dana, Racheal, Lauren and I. It was nice though, we all joked and laughed. When we got there we went to one of the malls, Fairview i believe. I didn't do any shopping there but we all split up so Lauren and I could have some time to just hang out. We had lots of fun together even though i'm very awkward when shopping. Then we went to a few stores on our way to a better mall.
          At the next mall (Conestoga), I ended up buying most of my Christmas gifts. I got deals on all of them. When everyone was finished shopping we met up again and i noticed that throughout the day i became so close with their family that i was acting like they were my own. A salesman asked Laurens dad if we were all his daughters. He replied yes but then the salesman said: "But not the blonde one right?" Which i realized made me really sad. It probably shouldn't because he's not my dad and i have my own but i really like pretending to belong to their family for awhile.
       Later we met up with Laurens mom and we all had supper together. It was such a wonderful day and i felt really loved. I had so much attention on me but everyone else had a lot too and it felt like i was in one of those "perfect little families" for awhile. They are really great people.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Here goes nothing.

Okay. This is a blog. Not really sure what people usually write but i figured I'd try this out and see what happens. I'm not very interesting, I don't have very many profound thoughts and I'm a terrible writer but I've made this to just speak. To whoever wants to listen. Maybe no one does. Either way, I'm typing it.
         Today I watched a video that my friend Adam made. He talked about how our lives are not mistakes and God has a purpose for everyone. It seemed that i watched it at the exact right time. I have been feeling pretty down lately. I felt under-appreciated and like no one really pays attention to anything i do. I guess thats not what Adams video was about but then i went to this page he made for people to leave comments and stuff.
           This is actually how i came to making a blog because one of my acquaintances posted her blog. I read it and she had posted a you tube video. It was like a letter from God and it just talked about how much he loves us and watches over us and i just kinda realized that it doesn't matter how much others don't care about what i do. God cares. He has always cared and always will. The past few weeks i felt further from God and i was really upset about it because i thought that i would feel like i was in his presence for longer than i did. No matter what though, we are going to go through ups as well as downs. After watching that video though, i felt closer to him. So i started listening to music. Not my usual christian music that i just kinda listen to. I listened to music that was going to make me think, was going to bring me closer to him. I'm loving this feeling.

So that is my first post i guess

Here is the video i watched:
Here is my friends blog that i was reading: