Monday, June 11, 2012

It's Been Quite Awhile

Hello everyone. Anyone. Someone.
I have a lot of hurt in me lately. I'm not exactly sure why but I know that something has to change. Let me fill you in on what has happened with me in the past year and a half.

After me and my last boyfriend broke up, I got really sad. I was convinced that all men were the same and all they wanted was sex and I was never going to find my perfect man. My two guy friends were tired of me moping all the time so my friend, Marc, set me up with his friend that lived in Guelph. I had met him once before and liked him a lot, but I thought he lived too far away for anything to happen. Well, that was proved wrong. We started dating in January and then in October, he moved in with me and my family.

One of my biggest deal breakers is that the man I'm with needs to get along with my family. I learned that the hard way. Nick absolutely loved my family. He came from a small family that fought all the time, so my family was great for him. My family also loved him. They all got along so well that i felt like he had been with us forever. Things with us were great, I had just finished high school and I would just spend everyday with him. After Christmas though, we started talking about moving out. He didn't work and I was babysitting before and after school. We needed something more.

His parents said we could come back and live with them while we saved up some money to get our own place. I was terrified to tell my mom. We were so close and she hated the thought of me leaving. We decided to move out after her birthday in March. When I told her, she wasn't too upset. She said she was going to miss me but she understood that I needed to move on.

Nick got a job in the factory where his dad works and I am a nanny for a family that lives a few blocks away. We are doing so well financially and just being more responsible. So why do I have these feelings?

I find that I snap all the time. Since there is no one else around, it is always at Nick. I always need more of him, more promises and attention and fights. It makes my life interesting. I realize that it is not good for me to do this but I can't help myself. I'm so emotional, I cry at everything. It has gotten better though. I'm stopping myself from snapping so much.

I'm not sure what the point of me writing this was. I don't think I even explained things so anyone would understand it anyways. I do know that it is good to get your feelings out somehow, so maybe this will help. Now I would like to change the topic a bit.

Today is my dad's birthday. Some people would be happy about that, and usually, I am. Not this year though. This year, things are different. My dad,  literally ran away to keep from talking to me. All because I asked him to pay for my little sisters school trip. She was so excited, all of her friends were going but my mom couldn't afford it. She was afraid to ask my dad. So I told him. He told me I was dishonoring him and when I saw him a week later at the beach, he ran away. I was ready to put it all behind me and be the better person. But instead, i got to see him run. And when i tried to hug my baby sister, my step mother looked at me so coldly and told me that they were leaving.

They claim to be good christian people. How is that? Can anyone answer me how terrible people can be good Christians? I have been proven over and over that he is far from a good christian. He is dishonest, manipulative, fake, controlling, hypocritical, and makes me feel incredibly guilty all the time. But I still love him. I would die to save him every single time. He is my dad.

I think that is why my relationship with God is sort of on/off. One minute i love him so much and then the next I see my dad doing something and it makes me not want anything to do with God because I don't want to be like my dad. I don't want to believe in what he believes in. I've got a long way to go but I know that my God is different and loves everyone, no matter what. He forgives even when you live with your boyfriend but aren't married. Even when you tell your dad how it is finally. He loves.

So i'll leave with that to think about. And maybe next time I'll know more or be more wise or something. Probably not, but I sure can try.